Early life adversity, trauma and the long road to self-empowerment in adulthood
Understanding the effects of trauma and how to begin maturing the underdeveloped inner child
By Sharon Jones | 3rd July, 2025 | Researcher; Educator; Speaker; Author ©
Early life adversities & trauma
Recognising lived negative experiences or adversity in childhood as trauma is one thing but communicating it is something else. Such experiences, no matter how normal they may have appeared at the time, have the ability to profoundly impact how we function and build relationships into and throughout adulthood. Our sense of self becomes distorted and without knowing how to effectively reflect introspectively and communicate, healing to a place of self-enhancement maybe out of reach. Interactions in our environment or with others, will become impaired. Childhood adversity could range from neglect to any type of abuse – that being, physical, mental, emotional for example, or living in a family considered to be marginalised or in poverty to coping with illness, tragedy or loss. When experiences such as these impair our self-identity then it could be complex trauma.
A trauma is thought to be something that causes psychological disturbances or poses a threat to life, though it’s not the event leading to trauma itself that is problematic, it’s how we embody the experience. Whilst traumatic events vary, it is our experiences of them that plays a role in physical changes to our chemistry (Burke Harris, 2020). A traumatic event exposes us to a form of harm resulting in feelings of fear, anger or overwhelm. Rational thought during these moments are difficult, leading to a poor sense of self-worth. Furthermore, our behaviour, the way we act or react towards something is a result of what we have embodied.
Childhood experiences – A personal overview
In early childhood we learn about the world around us and our place in it. Our brains develop at a fast rate and our bodies continually grow. However, when the environment that surrounds us is chaotic or abusive, our developing brains begin to rewire themselves and our bodies will be so enthralled with negativity that we struggle to notice the changes. We enter adulthood with an underdeveloped inner child and a belief that it is somehow our own fault. It can take years for someone to recognise they are not the problem. The problem happened to them and recognising this is the 1st step to healing or enabling that inner child to purposefully and effectively mature.
For a number of months back in 2021, I felt something wasn’t right. I began to feel evermore disconnected from those closest to me but most importantly I was becoming disconnected from myself. I didn’t know how to talk about things or share what wasn’t completely clear to me. I knew certain things from my childhood had made me think the way I did but at that moment in time I felt it had been normal and I wasn’t ready to confront it otherwise.
I remember feeling really overwhelmed. It was as if there was a jar brimming so full of things inside me, that the lid was no longer securely fastened. I had no way of tightening the lid and no way of knowing what ‘to lose’ from the jar to secure it. Shortly before my birthday, a friend who had come into my life just a couple of months after I started to bubble under the surface, stood chatting with me one day. It was just an ordinary chat but I was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings; the need to blurt something out became so prominent I just spoke the words without thinking. I hadn’t heard the words I used and I most certainly hadn’t thought about how those words would be received by someone who barely knew me. His initial reaction was as if I had knocked him unexpectedly off his feet. He didn’t know what to say at first but then replied to me with ‘I need time to process what you’ve just told me’. It was too late to retract what I had said and opening up for the first time was accompanied with the feeling of dread and guilt. However, the very next day my new ordinary friend became my confidant and the journey to me maturing my inner child began.
For a long time I have recognised my feelings or response to certain situations. These could be at home, in school or around my friendship groups or even being in unfamiliar territory. My biggest feeling was around being disconnected. I would actively be in a room and able to interact with others but I never felt as if I truly belonged or had a connection with anyone. As a small child, any connection I did feel was when I was alone with creative materials for company. As a teenager I felt connected to being able to write and listen to music and as an adult I have continued to feel this way whilst undertaking 3 degrees and a PGCE. All my life I have been in a constant state of observing and learning, striving to learn more but all I have ever wanted to do is become a better version of myself so I could feel a connection. What I hadn’t realised though, spending time in my own company connecting to the art of learning the way I did had been my coping mechanism, my place to hide away from the pain of feeling disconnected. It had been an automatic response to the ongoing negative experiences endured from early childhood. What I have learned during my journey over the last 4years however, is how the experience of early childhood trauma altered my self-identity. Being closed down and unable to talk about what was happening to me meant I hadn’t processed and dealt with the trauma and this therefore affected me into and throughout adulthood.
Brain and physiology development
Our brains are wired to protect us during adverse situations. You may have heard of the fight or flight response where we either prepare to battle or run from a dangerous situation. As it goes, it is a bit more complex than this. Lyons et al (2020) draws our attention to the fight, flight, freeze and collapse mode in their article on developmental trauma. Whilst it is possible to move back and forth between these different modes of survival, most of the behaviours I have demonstrated relate to freeze and collapse. For example, I would shut down and stare into space or day dream in situations which made me feel uncomfortable. At other times I would quite literally freeze and not speak and I was often told that I was stubborn, which made me feel angry because I knew I just couldn’t explain things. This is known as the freeze mode. In other situations, particularly around people, I could be passive. As a child and a teenager I only ever spoke if I had been spoken to first. I didn’t like drawing attention to myself and I would remove myself from a situation where this occurred, using any excuse possible. Here, I had been in collapse mode.
I’d spent my life in survival mode and the slightest change or comment would trigger my survival reaction. This is because my brain couldn’t process a situation at a higher level, the part of the brain which deals with thinking and learning. A fascinating concept given the fact I have completed 3 degrees and thus can activate that part of my brain.
Beginning to move forward
It is impossible to move forward in adulthood in a purposeful way without looking back to the past and recognising embodied trauma. That’s not to say as adults we are unable to function but for anyone trying to understand something not quite right or fulfilling in their lives must recognise their thoughts, feelings and behaviours in different situations. When this happens, it can be a turning point and it’s here where someone can expand their awareness and enable their inner child to essentially grow up.
My overwhelm eventually led to me speaking out for the first time in adulthood. Since that moment I have introspectively reflected and continued to communicate. Communication however, cannot be with just anybody and what might work for some may not work for others. For example, my friend and confidant encouraged me to find others to speak to. He believed the more people I could talk to would make my journey easier. I have since found a couple of others who I share some commonalities with and they too, have become people I confide in. In reality, I have effectively built myself a community of people to turn to and as a result I am able to understand and process things more quickly. Through communicating, reflecting and taking action I’m no longer in the dark place I once was. I have tried counselling but for me personally, talking to my new community of friends has been far more beneficial.
Of course, everyone is individual and though there is a lot of guidance out there with self-help techniques, personally, I believe there are 3 key stages to consider. The first is to engage with how you’re thinking, feeling and behaving, the second is to expand on this through understanding the adversity and trauma you have embodied and then finally to evolve into your true self.
I’ve written this blog intended for those at the beginning of the healing process from trauma to identify where there may be commonalities or similarities with thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Recognition is the first step towardsself-empowerment, though there is no quick fix and often one may find themselves moving back and forth between the 3 key stages as I see them. The techniques used to break down barriers particularly in the first 2 stages will depend on an individual and what works for them.
References
Burke Harris, N., 2020. Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal. London: UK, Bluebird.
Lyons, S., Whyte, K., Stephens, R., and Townsend, H., 2020. Developmental Trauma Close Up. [pdf] Available at: https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Developmental-Trauma-Close-Up-Revised-Jan-2020.pdf[Accessed 17/6/24].