When the inner child wants to grow up
Recognising experiences of childhood trauma and its’ impact on adult limitations
By Sharon Jones | 17th July, 2025 | Researcher; Educator; Speaker; Author ©
Childhood trauma
In my last blog I wrote about childhood adversities and trauma and how they can impair our functionality as an adult. Whilst adversity itself is not thought to be life-threatening, the resulting impact of embodied trauma can be scary, cause harm or even pose a threat to life. The experiences become trapped inside our very being which can lead to deregulation of emotions, overwhelm or in some cases underwhelm resulting in a breakdown with forming trusting and positive relationships. Our sense of self maybe unfilled and we potentially map a life from a different footing. In order to survive negative experiences we grow up quicker than intended, then adulthood arrives and we may regress without seeing the bigger picture. Letting go of what we know can be a hard pill to swallow but it’s one that will enable the healing process.
The aftermath of childhood trauma
Some examples of trauma can be embodied from a one-off experience and this will usually be short term whilst recurring and long term experiences can result in chronic or even complex trauma. Experiences can be historical and/or community based, intergenerational or secondary in nature such as when we are in close contact with someone who has unresolved trauma of their own. To understand the aftermath of childhood trauma, we must begin to observe and recognise the characteristics within ourselves – what are our strengths but also what are our limitations?
If we struggle to gain long term meaningful employment, wonder why relationships come and go, become stressed or anxious when things go wrong we tend to believe the fault lays within us. As if we are defective in some way. Patterns of behaviour will be repeated because of repressed emotions and thought processes. This is due to blocks with social and emotional intelligence and it is these blocks that play a role in heightened levels of stress and anxiety and how we cope with challenges.
From one view point, we may misinterpret social cues and find it difficult to recognise the pain of others or what we potentially share in common under the surface. In some cases a dissociative state or disorder may occur. But from another view point, we may be hyper vigilant to the environment around us as our brains are constantly in survival mode. Evidence suggests the rewiring of the brain during negative experiences impacts upon our emotions, thoughts and behaviour (van der Kolk, 2014; Burke Harris, 2020). There will be a mismatch between perception and decision making and our sense of self, our intuitive intelligence, won’t be something that resembles peace or tranquillity.
How we act or react to each challenge or difficulty we face is likely to be repeated time and time again though each time could be seen as a turning point; a time for self-reflection and personal growth. This is a time when we can turn inward and engage with our inner child.
Concept of the inner child
The concept of the inner child relates to how, as an adult, we have unmet needs or undeveloped growth. Metaphorically speaking, at some point in life’s journey, the child was wounded, like a bird with an injured wing unable to fly and without support from its’ flock. The fragile child adapted to a new place of survival and continued from this place forward. Now in adulthood, the inner child haunts what once could have been. S/he wants to grow up. S/he wants to heal.
As theory highlights, the ‘inner child’ is more than a metaphor. It’s a part of us that has stored memories and beliefs; the footprint of our being (Firmin and Russel, 1994). As adults we may act or react towards something uncomfortable through the behaviours we have adopted and to the outsider we present as childish.
It took me a long time to grasp the reality of this concept; to see the wood for the trees. But as time passed me by, I realised I’d been in conversation with my inner child the whole time. It may have been a one sided ‘adult’ conversation to begin with as this allowed me to ignore the physical pain I was experiencing but as the conversation progressed, I began to hear the little girl voice inside me. My past experiences had influenced the way I thought, the way I conducted myself and how I felt in different situations. They say you can’t go back in time; you can’t relive yesterday and whilst that may be so in reality, upon reflection you can revisit a time and walk in those footsteps once again but this time you can choose which path to take.
Experiences are not always negative though every stored memory or belief influences how our childhood is shaped and thus will impact upon our emotional and psychological states in adulthood. The inner child therefore, is an important part for our self-awareness and personal growth.
When the inner child wants to grow up
When childhood trauma is embodied, it meets the child where they are at during that time. Coping mechanisms will become prevalent and whilst they may be effective for the particular experiences at play they’re not necessarily effective in all other areas of the child’s life. The child can become forever trapped at the age when they faced the adverse and traumatic events. The adults’ inner ‘trapped’ child will, at some point, essentially want to grow up; to help you heal from past pain, for you to become your full authentic self.
It may feel like an internal tug of war. The adult for example, may desire an equal and positive relationship whilst at the same time fear they aren’t good enough, they may have a desire for financial security but struggle to hold down a job or spend above their means. There are many examples I could provide here but highlighting these demonstrates the battle within.
Being an adult means being a grown up but for someone with embodied childhood trauma, this can be difficult. The adult may feel like an imposter and unconsciously recreate patterns of the past keeping them locked into their childhood state. The adult will feel stuck in what they do.
When the inner child wants to essentially grow up, the whispers inside will become louder until they are heard. Your inner child needs recognition, processing and validating. At first this maybe daunting and your internal environment will be misaligned with the outside world but when you connect with your inner child, be guided by how they want to mature. This could take the shape of practising the opposite to what you’ve always done. Take a deep breath, create affirmations, go for a walk somewhere quiet, do something peaceful to give your adult self a break. Listen to your inner child and have conversations that enable you to let go and grow because when you have recognised this, developing awareness for transformation becomes empowering.
Embrace your story as you evolve and remember that every experience you’ve had, has been your journey to self-discovery. Your inner child is a big part of that story. Write and rewrite it exactly as it should be. Be kind to yourself because a good story should never be rushed.
References
Burke Harris, N., 2020. Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal. London: UK, Bluebird.
Firman, J., and Russel, A, 1994. Opening to the inner child: Recovering authentic personality. Palo Alto: CA, Psychosynthesis Palo Alto.
Van der Kolk, B., 2014. The body keeps the score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma. UK, Penguin.