What’s really stopping YOU? Recognising fears for self-awareness

Understanding internal and external fears that present themselves in emotions, thoughts and behaviours

By Sharon Jones | 28th August, 2025 | Researcher; Educator; Speaker; Author ©

A mismatch of self

What we think, feel and often show to the outside world about ourselves doesn’t always align with what we think and feel inside. This is something that really began to plague me back in 2021 when I worked on the front desk in a college library. There were days when I felt like rubbish on the inside, I didn’t want to talk and I knew I lacked in positive energy, yet when a student needed assistance, I would put a smile on my face and have an inviting presence. That was my job, I was there to serve them in a pleasant manner. It was the same scenario in my home life. But after a while it started to get to me. It was as if I was being untruthful, though I wasn’t sure if I was being untruthful to myself, those around me or both. My awareness of self was becoming so prominent I felt as if I could no longer keep up the façade. I realised I had been a people pleaser throughout my life and I was now in a different place, some may say I was ‘selfish’, but understanding me was the most important part of my self-awareness journey.

I had lived a life-time of multiple adversities; I had learned to internalise my thoughts and feelings in a negative way and not being able to confront my experiences left me somewhat disengaged. My self-awareness had been impaired; in doubt and it was time to confront it.

The weight of silence

Becoming self-aware is recognising that mismatch of self and being conscious of emotions, thoughts and behaviours. Our emotional baggage is all the torment and negativity we have carried around inside us from our lived experiences. There may be a multitude of reasons why this has occurred but it can damage our emotional intelligence and through self-reinforcing thoughts, the patterns repeat themselves.

Emotions are natural responses to experiences, like feeling happy, sad, excited, annoyed or even frustrated for example but they’re usually short lived, and have the tendency to come and go. However, during adversity and/or trauma, the brain undergoes changes to help ensure survival and this can deeply impact upon how we feel and how we think. Sometimes, emotions, especially if we’re emotionally numb or disconnected, might not be recognised as a driver for our thought processes and this can be challenging for self-awareness. For example, if someone asks you how you’re feeling, you might reactively respond with ‘I’m fine.’ And in that moment, you might feel like you’re fine or you might not actually be aware of how you’re feeling and that’s ok. But your thought process might tell you a different story and suddenly, you’re feeling guarded or suspicious, wondering, why are they asking that? what do they want? You might even think, I don’t know how to answer that right now. A fear of not giving the right answer can also surface, so saying ‘I’m fine’ becomes a way to stay safe.

Adapting in this way is a natural survival response. It enables us to learn and develop coping mechanisms, ways to think, behave and/or feel so we can manage overwhelming situations. Coping mechanisms are designed to keep us protected and in doing so our vulnerabilities remain hidden, even from ourselves. They become automatic and deeply ingrained. When we begin to cultivate self-awareness however, we notice the emotional layers beneath these patterns. Connecting to self in this way is no easy process and some may find it too painful to face their vulnerabilities when they’ve worked so hard to avoid them. With this in mind, it’s best to approach painful truths by staying grounded, starting at the surface level and practising techniques such as deep breathing or body scans. There are plenty of online resources that can support this (Mind, 2025; Trauma Research UK, 2024).

Understanding fears, identifying blocks

True self-awareness involves being compassionate with ourselves. This means letting go of self-judgment and approaching our triggers and fears with curiosity rather than criticism. It involves opening our minds to a new way of thinking and believing.

Our fears are both internal and external. Internal fears stem from how we see ourselves, while external fears arise from how we believe others see us, though knowing what we fear or what triggers us isn’t always straightforward. It may be that rejection for example, is rooted in a deeper belief, an internal fear, that I don’t matter. To cope, you might have learned to become a people-pleaser to feel, in a way, valued. These internal fears often fuel anxious thoughts and self-doubt, leading to emotional reactions. On the flip side, external fears- like the fear of being judged, can drive you to overwork or continuously saying yes to doing something because setting boundaries or keeping time for yourself feels uncomfortable. Understanding how fear influences our emotions, thoughts and behaviours helps us to identify what is blocking us from having effective and sustainable outcomes; from having a full sense of purpose. Understanding your fears enables you to take a different approach to something rather being pulled by unconscious patterns. The more you understand, the more empowered you become in breaking down your barriers; removing those blocks.

I began to challenge my thoughts during those moments when I felt misaligned, when something inside me didn’t sit right. I wanted to understand why I was feeling a certain way and why I reacted the way I did. I needed to identify what was triggering me. For me, that eventually meant creating quiet space, time without pressure from anyone or anything, so I could truly reflect. After speaking out loud about what I’d been through, and though it took quite some time, I started journaling my feelings and thoughts, giving me something visual to look back on. This helped me ask deeper questions: What is it that’s bothering me? Why can’t I get past it? Journaling became a mirror, showing me the things I hadn’t been ready to see.

I knew I enjoyed learning, but I also recognised how I was using it to hide. In truth, I was overworking, not just to succeed, but to avoid. I began to recognise patterns of how I’d been running on autopilot and bit by bit, I began to respond differently. This wasn’t something that happened overnight. I had to be honest with myself and sometimes this was painfully deep but I learned to seek the support I needed when I felt overwhelmed by emotional pain. Unlearning everything I had come to believe about myself and the world was far harder than learning something new. But it was also the beginning of real change. As my self-awareness deepened so did my emotional intelligence. Self-awareness isn’t a destination. It’s an ongoing journey of growth and understanding.

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